journal of an "Old Flame VIII

            Temi barged into my room the next morning while Addie and I were gisting about my adventure of last night. Addie couldn't stop giggling and gloating and all i could do was shake my head at Her
we were acting like crazy kids and my journal is starting to look like a chick Lit
''g'morning.'' Addie greets my elder sister but remains on the bed although with the way Temi is looking at me, Addie would have to leave the both of us
it was time for sister talk.
"Addie...'' i raise my eyebrows at her and she is reluctant at first but later, she finally responds
"you guys act like i'm not your sister!'' she mumbled before closing the door behind her
the room is silent for about five minutes and looking at the time, i'm happy that i'm on call today and so the evening was going to be hectic for me
  I still needed a little rest.
"well?...do you mind telling me about your whole ordeal?!''
''i went out, or am i too young to start dating?''
''i wasn't complaining about your dating class madam!...i was talking about the young man you dressed up like an harlot for.''
''wow!...thank you Ma!...'' i force myself to rise from my bed and head for the bathroom but she pulls me back
"don't walk out on me when i'm talking to you sisi!'' she hisses
''leave me alone...''i jerk free from her grip. ''when you and Fisayo were dating, did i complain or when you use your midnight calls to disturb my own sleep at night, do i ask questions?''
''you act and talk like a child!!..., ohhh!...you think i dont know it's Danny that you went out with and how you two were smooching in the car.''
my anger rises and i retort.. ''and is it your business, or do i come to your house and start asking what you and Fisayo do at night!''
I don't see whats coming next but it hits me right on the face and i pull back in shock
"spoilt girl!....don't ever talk to me like that again, do you hear!''
I throw my fists on her but she grabs my hands and twists them but i'm glad she doesn't break my arm. she's far taller and bigger when compared to my anorexic looking figure and she throws me on the floor.
"does that man look like a marriage material man ehn?!!...i think you should grow up, come to your senses and throw away that stupid bear you still place on your bed instead of day dreaming about one guy you had a crush on...'' she yells at me while i whimper on the floor.  ''and as for that Addie girl.." she continues in our dialect and points a finger at me. ''that girl will get you into trouble one day, i've told you''
"leave me alone and get out of our house!'' i yell back at her. ''Mrs busy body! go to your husband's house and be useful there!''
I cower again thinking she was going to pounce on me once again but she shakes her head at me and i can see hurt in her eyes but she recovers almost immediately and leaves my room with a loud bang of my door
That was abut three months ago and i'm still in a relationship with Danny. I'm scared things are going faster than i anticipated. i'm still keeping myself, i know that but things are different and i can sense it.
         Our kissing is getting intense every passing day and there was a time i had to tell him i wasn't ready when it had gone beyond kissing. i could see the reaction in his face at the realization of the truth but he seemed fine with it, but that didn't stop him from touching me in places where i would never allow a man to touch me on any normal day.
I was getting scared that i might give in soon.
why didn't i tell him the truth that i was keeping myself for my wedding night and because God wanted me to and not that lame excuse that "i wasn't ready"

Before going to bed at night(when i'm off), I pick my bible and i hear a little snicker in my mind and i cant say how guilty i feel. i feel like i'm deceiving myself. it had been a while i even heard God speak to me and everyday was as if i was just passing time.
i tried to console myself that i was doing fine and i was happy. afterall, was this not what i had dreamed about for a long time. was this not what i wanted, Danny to love me and want me the way i had often dreamed of,

Then why did i feel i was holding out on God?

I missed Temi because she didn't call me anymore and i feel somewhat guilty at the way we fought before she finally left, but she had slapped me!...was i the one to apologize again?
 Addie had gotten a new job and we hardly talked. she had gone back home a week ago and so i was alone with my thoughts, my job and Danny.
Sometimes Danny and I have lunch when i'm on night call and so by evening, he's dropping me off in the hospital. we talk most times when we're alone and that was how i found out His mother was not Nigerian and that he was considering practicing here for a long while before going to the States for a further degree but he he was planning on settling here all the same.
His mother had wanted her son to have a Nigerian education and He had done pretty well.
          But now, all i wanted to think of was ME
What kind of girl was i?
I feel like i don't know myself anymore and i'm living a false kind of life where things would just suddenly fix themselves like a puzzle one day but leave me standing like an out-of-place piece


             I used to be one of those women that could stand face up that i was righteous and clean. i could boast about my virginity and I could vouch that i could never commit sexual immorality but right now, i couldn't state my stand anymore. The world could still see a righteous virgin. Oh yes, remove the righteous and i was still a virgin but not a clean one.
But i guess i just wanted to live in that moment and let it last forever, pretending it was right.
            I kept trying to convince myself that God had brought Danny to me, probably before i made the mistake of marrying someone else Well, i guess our flesh has a strange way of trying to make bad things look good in order to suit the situation
            But i knew Danny and I had to talk. We really had to talk when we meet and stop those little pettings and kisses we shared. We were going to sit down like adults and sort this out.
that was probably the solution to the whole problem and guilt i was feeling
I knew him, i felt i did and so i felt assured he would understand my views as a christian since he was one also.
And so, I chose tomorrow over the phone when he called and as usual, he picked an exotic resort for a small ‘get-together’ meeting he was inviting me to and I couldn’t refuse him.
I was glad i wasn't on call.