journal of an "Old flame XI"

          I was having withdrawal symptoms and the only person that understood everything I was going through was Temi. I guess this time, I knew I couldn’t hide anything from her again.
Danny called and kept calling and all I could do was stare at the phone and drift off remembering how the whole thing ended and how it even began in the first place. Temi stayed with me for like a week before going back to married life and i told her everything and all she did was listen and do all she could for me but she kept beeping me.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had that feeling after dumping someone...oh puff.., you’re just a journal anyway..what do you know apart from what I tell you
God was merciful to me though. I was facing a real trying time and I was trying to seek God’s face at the same time. I was happy again and felt free but you know that nudging feeling of the flesh.

Memories of my first kiss to an idiot or modestly put, the wrong person made me cringe when I remembered and the odd sensation of his hands still crept up to me when I slept at night. The conversation I had overheard and the way his face looked when he saw my tear streaked face. He looked like a confused child and if not for Temi, I might have fallen on him and start crying again telling him to tell me what I’d heard in the restroom was a lie but I knew the truth.
It was as clear as a crystal ball.
The crystal ball Daddy had given me for last Christmas still sat on my table and it was then I knew I missed him. Dad had left the country to look for greener pastures and I really did feel for him. He had been relieved from government work five years ago and the family had gone on dried pap and stew for a while before things started changing, and now I hardly saw my father but he always sent news that he was doing fine, misses us including mum and has seen God the way he had never seen Him before
I guess I needed that sort of revolution for my life too
I worked harder each day ignoring the aggressive insults from the Consultant I was presently working under  in the hospital and I was glad that was giving me less time to think of Danny, but I guess that didn’t stop Him from coming to my place of work almost embarrassing me till I had to force myself to have my one hour lunch break with him
When I looked up at him, I didn’t see that beautiful, perfectly molded man I’d always seen before we started dating and kissing. All I saw was invisible horns that had sprouted from nowhere and I was desperate to leave him but he was so damn persistent.
I knew I wasn’t experienced with men and since he was my first, I didn’t have relationship radar to detect their actions but why do “most endowed men or whatever stupid name they give to themselves have issues with women dumping them? Did they actually think they were too good or handsome or rare to find and they were the ones going to do the dumping?
Or as I heard him say…, pass me over to his friend when he was through?

Who in the world did he think he was?

I was grateful for one thing though, that I overheard that conversation myself or not in a million years would I have believed if someone had told me
I guess God has a way of doing his things
I was ready to stand but I guess he had a way of charming people and he charmed me to talk with him.
In his car
“well?’’
“you’ve not picked my call for a whole week now…’’ he began looking at me like I had no right to refuse his call
‘’because I didn’t feel like it.’’
“The idiot” I thought within myself. He actually waited for a week before he came looking. Such level of importance I had in his eyes
‘’you’ve still not explained what happened last week, I mean seriously Lori…’’
I looked at my wristwatch and shook my head. ”can we do this another time” I was about standing up when he grabbed my arm and pulled me back into the passenger seat. At such strength and force I winced noting the fingers that dug into my arm. I was glad that I was wearing my ward coat. My eyes opened in shock at the way he still held on to me and I gulped weakly, fear and insecurity mingled with saliva
“get your hands off me.’’
‘’you’re not going anywhere till you tell me what I did wrong. I’m the one who calls the starts and ends of a relationship, do you understand me?’’
“you have no right!”
“oh yes, I do sweetheart.’’ His eyes bored into mine and suddenly I saw fire. Fire of raw unhidden emotion unlike the fire of desire I’d seen when he kissed me
“your sister’s not here now, you have nowhere to run and so, you won’t leave this place until you say everything that happened immediately you left to the restroom that Saturday, do you understand me?’’
“you don’t love me Danny” I blurted out an held back the tears ‘’and I never did, we were never on the path to something serious.’’
He raised his eyebrows and frowned. ‘why didn’t you tell me you wanted something serious? You were the one that was hesitating to have sex with me.’’

The guy was dumber than I thought!!

I was forced to tell him the truth. ‘I had a crush on you and I’d never let it go for a while now and so, don’t blame me that I decided to go out with you when you asked me out’’
“well, I don’t see anything wrong with that. I mean, it can lead to something. Sometimes.., i mean statistics..’’
“I don’t live on statistics Danny. I live by faith in God and I just want out. Right now''
“and so you’re telling me God wants you to leave the relationship?” his question was full of taunting mockery and deep inside, I knew I had done wrong by even saying yes to him the first time and I had also displeased God.
“and I don’t want to have sex with you.’’ I concluded boldly looking right into his eyes

I guess that shocked him because his eyes were wide open and he looked at me like I’d gone crazy.
Omg!..how low had I gone in his eyes, how low did he think of me. I suddenly felt ashamed that I hadn’t taken a stand for what I believed in. and I guess this was the first time I was actually and seriously talking to him about God. No wonder he had included me in his list of past women whom he had conquered.
     Well, like I’d thought of earlier, the time of redemption had come. I knew I was going to keep feeling guilty afterwards of my past sin but deep inside, I prayed to God to work something out for me

Right here and right now.

He turned to look at the windshield and sighed, shaking his head slightly. “okay.., look, I’m sorry.’ I could tell how hard he found it to say but he did anyway. “if there’s anything I’ve done wrong or said to you to deserve all the silence and solace, I apologize. We could always work things out. Let’s just take this as our first fight…, you know.’’ He turned to look at me then and his hands went to my face. Out of reflex, I retreated. His hands had suddenly become like fangs from a viper’s mouth and I felt repulsed.
 I guess he noticed it but he didn’t back down. He dropped his hands and bit his lip. “I won’t force you to do anything with me until you say so yourself. It’s just a little misunderstanding and you need not have brought God into the situation y’know.’
 
“well, the mistake I made was not bringing him into this relationship in the first place.’’ I murmured head bowed low, looking at my sweaty palms although the car was cool enough to accommodate the both of us.
“okay. We will bring him into the relationship. Anything you want, its okay by me.’’ He spread his hands expecting I would concur with him