Wednesday, 13 June 2012
journal of an "Old flame" XIV
It’s been three months after my reconciliation with Seyi….. I sigh as I received a text from her which ended with “Wish you were here…xoxo.’’ And one of the pictures she had snapped from the States popped up.
She was pouting her lips at the chocolate cream placed before her and I shake my head laughing to myself
When are we all going to grow up and start acting like adults?
‘’Or were we ever meant to be adults because the world expected us to or because our age screamed at us?’’ I pondered
And so as I stand across the lagoon front presently in the school where I graduated from about seven and a half years ago, I think back on that relationship with Danny five months ago and I push my hands further into my coat pocket to brace myself and shut my mind against him completely. He was my first, I know…, the first guy I’d ever fallen so low for and longed for ever since I could remember and now I’d gotten a taste of what was inside, I found it bitter and taunting and I vowed again I wasn’t going to go right down that path anymore.
It was either God or nothing
I saw him twice after that and the first time, I tried acting mature when I met him once again at the mall but with a different girl this time. That was one month after the breakup and I knew I had made the right decision. I was tempted to give the girl some sort of advice but all I did was smile when he introduced me as an old friend whom he knew in school
I was glad that was what I’d become to him.., no hard feelings but that made me delete his number after I got into my car.
The second time was a glance and I didn’t bother looking twice.
I know I know you must be wondering what took me so long to delete his number but I guess there’s still that little tug somewhere especially when someone is your first. It don’t matter if that guy was bullshit or full of it, he’s still the one you’d ever dreamed of being with all your life
My nightmares ended that night
I was determined to stop dreaming about him and with God’s help, I was saved.
I feel the wind blowing my hair round my face and I remember I haven’t done my hair in days. I laughed within me at such freedom and liberty. Permit me for using both similar words but I just felt so light that the wind could perhaps carry me. I felt like a child again, running across the field with Temi when we were quite younger.
I wanted to become a child again.
That was the liberty I had for thinking once Danny was gone out of my life and I knew I would be a better person afterwards. I went on to delete more secular songs that could bring back memories or rather, those ones that tell you, you don’t care about your ex anymore.
Temi gave me one of her new collections which I’ve come to find interesting especially when I was a soft rock fan and I’ve come to fall in love with this godly singer and that’s Francesca battistelli. I ripped some of her songs and had them playing over and over again till I got familiar with all the lyrics of the song. There was one that caught my particular attention and I’m still listening to the song, letting it sink in. it tells me about the Paper heart I’ve got and how I’m gonna give it to God and how it’s his name that’s also going to be etched on it. It wasn’t an easy process but I learned my lesson and seeing things from outside was not enough to jump into a relationship with someone you barely know.
Ask God first
I guess that’s the most important lecture you can ever give yourself after the relationship has come to an end.
Just hope it does, or rather, it didn’t rob you of everything you were
I think of Addie and how I’d allowed her to take charge of my life unconsciously making myself delusional that I was all for God, whereas, I hadn’t been.
I should have been the one preaching to her and NOT her telling me how to live my life. at that moment I asked God for grace and mercy to reach her in the right way.
She needed Jesus….We all needed Him
Right now, I begin walking back to my mum’s car I’d borrowed again and I turn Francesca’s song on in the car singing along and driving off knowing I had left my worries and troubles at the feet of Jesus and the waters just reminded me of that as the tides began to rise, and fall again
I was glad I could do that.
I smiled as I sang.
I love God, I love my Mum, I love my Dad, I love Temi, best sister in the world who’s married and left me to fend for myself and wants me to get a good man before her third year anniversary…LOL
Well.., who knows the mind of God?... let’s keep our fingers crossed..**wink**smiles**
And I love the woman singing on the stereo…
Next update..."LESSONS learned from "Lori's journal of an Old flame"