Tuesday, 5 June 2012
journal of an "Old flame IX''
''For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror. for he observes himself, goes away and immediately forgets what kind of man he was.''
This was the verse i read from scripture this morning before I stepped out of the house and i felt God was talking to me...finally!!!...but it seemed to pierce into my soul and I consoled myself that i was going to set things right when I was alone with Danny
True sweet fellowship with God was going to resume today. i could sense it, but the other side of me felt burdened and by the time i got into Danny's car, my walls crumbled and my gaze went to his neck, where his polo T-shirt was slightly opened enough for me to notice the small chain he wore.
by the time i raised my gaze to meet his, he smiled seductively and i felt hot all over
''hey...'' he stretched from his seat and planted a kiss on my lips softly
I knew i should pull back but i let myself drown once again in this feeling of ecstacy forgetting the prompting from the scripture i had read before stepping out
He broke the kiss himself and caressed my cheek, his eyes looking dreamy and longing, but he recovered immediately and we drove off
I knew I tasted rum when he kissed me but I pretended that everything was okay when he smiled down at me. His friends were present at the get-together party and so I had to postpone my conversation with him. He held me close like he possessed me and at that moment, I let myself feel cherished and loved by the “man of my dreams”
We all settled down to have a nice time and he introduced me to his friends who I guess were actually impressed by our relationship. One of his friends seemed to have caught my attention although I observed him surreptitiously. He and Danny seemed to have some sort of hidden code and when the drinks were being shared, he winked at Danny before passing him a bottle of Heineken. At that same moment, Danny’s hand slowly went to my back and I was glad I could stop him before he went further. It was then he looked at me again and planted a loud kiss on my lips
I looked back at his friend feeling very uncomfortable and I could see his eyes strolling over my body.
I could hear that loud scream that I should leave them.
But how could I, I loved Danny. Well I thought I did and I knew I did. I had loved him almost all my life. He was the first guy I had a crush on and had not gotten over. If I couldn’t get over a crush for more than seven years, then it was Love
I was feeling choked up and I knew I needed to excuse myself. I was glad the resort had a sophisticated restroom where I could go and think. The Heineken bottle handed over to me still felt chill in my hands and I knew I couldn’t drink. I had tasted rum, probably drank from Danny’s lips but I wasn’t going to allow myself to drink this. The last time I remembered taking alcohol was when I was eight and I wasn’t doing so again.What if I throw up and embarrass myself? How would I look before his sophisticated friends and their girlfriends? I didn’t want to be left out and so I placed the drink in Danny’s free hand and excused myself.
I stayed in the restroom for a while and tried to compose myself. I kept taking deep breaths to calm my racing heart and confused self. I looked into the mirror and I felt like I was looking at a different image. My face was looking so made up and I could see my cleavage. Bending over, I knew I could see more and I hated myself for it…
Was there any wonder Danny’s friend had that sultry look
I suddenly felt ashamed and afraid. I felt so insecure. My lips were so blood red and called attention and the hair on my head made me look like Rihanna. Oh I remember Rihanna and I never wanted to look like her. I had gotten over some certain secular music after God warned me. It took me years but I was doing well.
All I wanted to look like and Be like was ME..Loretta Moyosore Williams
“oh goodness!’ I muttered and I tried so hard not to cry so as not to soil my mascara. The girl I was before meeting Danny again could cry when she had the urge to and it actually relieved me so much to cry, most especially to God but now, I didn’t want to displease Danny.
I would soil my makeup and he wouldn’t be able to show me off.
I knew I had stopped being Lori Williams for a while now and some hidden part of me had taken over, manifesting itself in full force.
Footsteps and male voices interrupted my thoughts and I wondered how and why they were coming towards the restroom. I heard Danny’s voice coming close and thinking he had come over to get me; I ran into one of the toilets and locked the door, taking caution to stand on the toilet seat so as to avoid being noticed or seen. It was after I stood on the seat I realized that I was in the men’s restroom.
Omg!!!...what could be worse?