Monday, 11 June 2012

journal of an "Old flame XII"

            I turned my face to the window and I tried to calm my racing heart. How men could be so deceitful. It was so hard for me to believe that the guy that I had overheard in the restroom laughing with his friend was the same one wanting me like I was the only thing that mattered to him. he should be an actor. I concluded before looking back at him.
“are you a Christian?’’
“sure, born again.’’
I held back my retort and shook my head. Who was I to even judge anyway when I didn’t even act like one myself…., well, the truth was I didn’t want someone who’ll be managing my fellowship with God or rather irritated with my obsession or passion with God when things started getting deep, neither did I want someone who wasn’t sensitive to spiritual things neither was he thinking of us being serious. As for him, I guess I was just a play thing and like he said, if his statistics proved right, we could head to something…after sex

How foolish I had been to think we were in love.

This wasn’t Hollywood, this was my reality and my reality wasn’t dependent on dice or numbers
It was dependent on God!
We had been together for almost a month and about a week now before the silence and I was glad it didn’t extend more than that. That fire of passion that engulfed us when the relationship started was dying down and that couldn’t sustain a relationship and things were not going to remain the same. Temptations would come and all sorts and then, what would he do to me, discard me like some sort of trash or do the dumping instead and boast to his friends about it?
What would have been my impact on him, a leaf that was tossed by the wind or an arrow hitting it’s target?
 ‘’look, I got you something.’ He broke into my thoughts and I saw him stretching to the back seat to get a wrapped nylon bag. He began showing off the things inside and it was then I realized this was the first time he had ever gotten me any present since our relationship and I forced a smile as I noted the exotic wrap of chocolates, the makeup kit and an eye-catching gown although I wondered how in the world he knew my size and makeup kit?..i guess I had created the wrong impression at the get together party we attended together.
 “I understand what you’re trying to do Danny…’ I pleaded but he continued talking explaining everything about the present. “There was this shop at the mall which caught my attention when I was thinking of what to get for you and I told the sales girls what you looked like and they suggested the dress. If it’s not suitable, I could return it and they also suggested a makeup kit for you after and I couldn’t resist since I loved the way you looked the last time we were together…, baby…’
I knew I had to stop him now before he went further. I couldn’t let myself into this anymore. My flesh desperately wanted to cling unto him and give him everything ignoring what I had overheard and how he could hurt me but there was a little gentle push in my heart that I should walk away and run to God, telling him everything and putting it into his hands, not ever looking back.

Oh goodness, I was so torn in-between the two and I knew if he tried touching me again, I might succumb to him.
But I guess the prayer I had prayed earlier saved my neck
“you don’t have what I want Danny.’’
He looked at me confusingly. ‘What do you want?’’
“I want everything.’’
He scoffed…. ”well, I can’t be your everything….’
I smiled and shook my head. ‘You’re right, you can’t be my everything, only God can.’’
And with that last statement, I was bold enough to step down from his car and walk back to the hospital, no tears shed; no regrets and he didn’t call me back.
I guess God had put that in my mouth because right now, I still wonder how I could have imagined such all my life.
It was easy to say God was my everything initially, but dear journal, when that time comes and that addiction in your blood hasn’t been evacuated yet, you’ll begin to act opposite to what you were so bold enough to declare and then I remembered that Jesus was more interested in actions than words

This people draw near to me with their lips but their heart is so far from me

I got home on Friday evening having a little nudging feeling most especially when i needed someone to talk to and tell about everything that had happened on wednesday afternoon. i didn't want to talk to Addie, neither was i ready to go weak and call Danny that i wanted him back into my life which i most definitely didn't want to do.

I wanted to yell, scream, shout and dance to something rocky and forget about Him, forget about my foolishness of the past and forget about my "medical world" for a while
God read my thoughts and answered my prayer once again, because just as i stepped into my house, i saw my little cousins wiggling and dancing to that Lizzie Maguire song and my mum coming out of the kitchen with home made cookies
Temi popped out from behind with a big smile on her face and i knew that smile anyday any time
Fisayo proved me right
"look who's here looking tired but gorgeous.'' he came towards me and before i could even say Hi, he was giving me a bear hug
i reciprocated and didn't know when the tears came again. i held him close forgetting he was my brother-in-law and i could see Temi in my blurry vision looking at me like her baby sister i was.
although she was just two years older
''always remember we love you, no matter what happens...'' he whispered
I nodded and he released me, allowing temi to take turn in hugging me and that was when she confessed that she had told Fisayo to stalk me throughout this week in case Danny tried any stupid moves.
He didn't like the idea but she winked at me and told me she had "Her" way of compensating Him
i rolled my eyes at her while cleaning my face and raised my hand to stop her from giving me any sort of details...

I needed my sleep this night

"hey now, hey now, this is what dreams are made of'' the youngest of my cousins(mimi) sang aloud while pretending to be the "new" Lizzie Maguire while others choreographed behind her. she came and held my hands imploring me to sing and dance along with her.

They were sleeping over...
"se hannah montana abi.....'' my mum was trying to understand their little drama although it wasn't unusual but Mimi stopped her midway
"it's Lizzie Maguire big mummy.'' she stomped her foot and went back to singing her song
"pele ma.'' my mum apologized with a smile and shook her head. ''children of these days...all these omo yankee that love to feel they're smarter than us who have been in the world longer than them.''
i smiled and strolled into my room while Temi followed behind
''it's time for stacie orico..'' she beamed at me and went over to my stereo
"temi, please, not now...'' i pleaded. ''don't you even want to hear what happened?''
she frowned at me.."who cares, you dumped the idiot and so its time to celebrate.'' she began her own sing along and when she saw i wasn't moved, she came to my bed and jumped on it

so much for being a matured  sister!!!...smh

I forgot to add Temi is very addictive and so when she got to the chorus, i had to sing, yell and dance with her till i was exhausted and slumped into bed
at that moment, Seyi's face popped into my head and i knew i still had some unfinished business
as for now, i was tired and so i dozed off

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