Lori's journal of an ''Old flame"....Journal 1

i sigh....nahhh

 I dont wanna do this....why in the world is this happening to me. after all these years.

I think im gonna start with Danny and then Seyi, do i miss her.....i dont

"sigh!....who am i kidding, i miss her. this journal should even start with her, of how we were so crazy during our childhood days and how you hurt me real bad

i hope i still have the heart to forgive you.....crap!!!!!

 wondering why im remembering these 2 people in my life, well i guess we're about to find out...sheesh!!!

whats wrong with me for goodness sake!!!

i have to write something, i really do....so here goes!

 Blast from my past

        I guess before meeting the person I was gonna have a crush on, I was doing fine, oh believe me dear journal, pretty much and I don’t know if it was a crime I had that encounter.

Moving to the main campus was quite easy and I found it interesting, although I resumed late.silly me!..but I was glad i hadn’t missed much and no tests had been done. I had just had to make photocopies of handouts and all stuff and read overnight. I was going to be hanging out with friends from my secondary school except the ones who felt like forming. FAKE girls…smh!

        And then, the first day in class couldn’t have been boring. Cant go into details to tell you how boring it was and my eyes were roaming to meet my new acquaintances, most of whom I know I wouldn’t be having any conversation with and some of them, probably till I leave this school…(not adding anything useful to my life…shrugs***)and then I saw him, right there, sitting so separately from the other guys who deemed it fit to utter those silly words behind the lecturer’s back, make silly comments that would make us laugh and snicker. Sometimes I laughed especially when a boring class like this was going on but today, my laughter died on my lips when i saw him.

He wasn’t a geek, neither was he a nerd or something out of this world. He was opposite all of that!

He was perfect!

Was it the way he sat with a sort of calm air around him, a pen in hand on his notebook, his hands perfectly sculpted and his hair trimmed but combed so neatly I wished I could touch it. he was wearing a cool blue shirt and tie underneath a black sweater and his sideboard couldn’t be anything less I actually thought he looked like Brad Pitt and I felt myself swoon

Omg!...i was acting like an high school chick except that I was in the university and this was real and I believed I was getting old for this shit.

“hey!’’ Boma, my close friend nudged me out of my fantasy into reality and I blinked severally, so embarrassed that I had been caught. Most definitely because I hadn’t written anything where she could get a peek from and Mr. lawal had been talking for a while now

I could see her shaking her head and she glanced at my object of interest briefly before looking at me. ‘’I see you’ve met prince charming.’’

‘’sorry?’’

“Dan.’’ She continued. ‘’hot stuff.’’ She smiles and looks at me. ‘’doesn’t like talking much to people but even with that, he has some sort of interest in Angel.’’

“WTH is angel’’ I think to myself but make a face at Boma.. ‘’hello, like i'm interested in people like him, smh’’

‘’good…, don’t be’’ she looks at me softly then like the friend that had gone to the same secondary school with me. Then we acted childish, now its time to act mature and decide what we want for our future.

‘’guys like that don’t last and they’re not good for you, not good for us.’’ She winks and slides her hand on my shoulder lovingly. ‘’I made a promise to aunt Temi to watch over her baby sister.’’

Temi is my elder sister and is just 2 years older. She was turning 21 that year while I was just 19 then and beginning my boring workaholic life, now I’m 7 years older

Don’t get me wrong, I love my job, I really do. Its what I live for but if I could finish from the college of medicine without a man in my life, then my aunties and older cousins thought there was something wrong.

Grandmama thinks I should be taken for prayers….laughs to self..

         
 I smile briefly and I hate myself for letting her catch me. If she could detect that I was swooning over him in class, how much more the other girls who sat around me.

It was then  I noticed that most girls were doing the same and even when they tried not to make it more obvious, it just made it worse.

And from then on, I tried to focus on what I had come over to school for. To study medicine.  Loretta Moyo Williams would make her parents proud and one day the guy of my dreams would just see me and swoon over me instead. Love me for whom I was and let this silly infatuation about this “super Dan’’ fade away

Well, I guess that was what I thought till my third year when we were having lab and we were grouped together. Alas!, I tried as much as possible to concentrate and tell myself he was seeing someone else and they were going out together but something inside just kept saying we could be friends instead and that would make the crush dissolve and so when we worked together, I tried to be as friendly as possible. Boma noticed but I guess she loved minding her business sometimes and I love her for it.

Afterall, I wasn’t a baby.

He would laugh softly sometimes and my knees would almost buckle, my spatula in hand, trying to put  the specimen on the microscope to observe what we were told to in biochemistry lab. We weren’t the only two in the lab but sometimes, I would steal a glance at him and see how girls surrounded him, talking with him, pulling at the tip of their hair while talking and go as far as laughing at some little jokes he said. Some would even hold his arm and I wished I could throttle them and tell them to take over. But I noticed that when he saw I was the only one doing the majority of the observation of specimens, he would leave the girls that attached to him like magnets and come over to offer all the assistance he could.

               And when he came close, I found it hard to breathe. He was taller than me, slim or is it lean they call it but he was well built. I could tell. Even with his lab coat on, he had a good posture and gait, one fit enough to be a model. What amazed me in his complexion was that he took care of his face well, no blackheads, no acne and he was fair. Not the kind of fair that could put you off but that fair colour that made one wonder, “do you reside in Nigeria at all?’’

‘’can you see anything?’’ he asked me. Even in a thousand years with him standing so close to me I could breathe in his cologne.(gosh, that angel girl must be the happiest and luckiest girl in the world!!!their kids would be going for photo shoot everyday…in the magazines and adverts.)

                In their case, brains and beauty seemed to have done them justice because they were on such good standing. He was like two steps behind me though but he was intelligent.

‘’still trying to focus the lens.’’ I muttered.

‘’let me help with that.’’ He says and before I can move, I freeze. His hands is partially on my shoulders and then so suddenly, its gone. It was then I realize he was trying to move me aside so as to get a look himself. I can see him turning the knob slowly like a professional and i jut watch waiting for him to tell me how successful my specimen had turned out to be.

Or had I done it wrong?

‘’hey Danny…., can you observe anything?’’ Jane purrs as she comes closer to me trying to push me aside. Oh the nerve on the girl. She hadn’t even done anything all day and here she was talking in her croaked voice because she wanted to draw Dan’s attention

He didn’t raise his head. ‘’not yet.’’

‘’okay.’’ She mumbles and keeps standing beside me, close to him

I develop courage and I ask. ‘’well?’’

‘’well what?’’ she rolls her eyes at me

‘’do you want to prepare the second specimen or stand here underutilized?’’

‘’I will do what I’m meant to do.’’ She snaps and turns her back at me.

“sure.’’ I cough. Doing what you do best Like adding so much makeup on your face you look like a clown

‘’is something wrong?’’ she asks

‘’could you excuse me?’’ I say briefly and not waiting for a response I push her away slightly and get busy with the second specimen. ‘’we have work to do than parade about’’

She ignores me and continues to stand there and I simply do the same.

Well, that and other silly chick tales happened I don’t wanna talk about in this new journal. I just wanna pour my whole heart into this, glad no one can see this except God and me. Temi cant see this anymore. She’s getting married and we’ve grown older than our fantasies, but this is no more my fantasy, its my reality and I really do wanna let go.

Temi got to know about my crush and we’d laughed about it In the past and she told me I was gonna get over it but after my third year and I still had the ‘’thing’’ lingering in my hand, she did what she could do for me. She deleted anything romance from my laptop and filtered my songs. Got rid of my Disney stickers in the room and made sure I avoided all those love movies that made me cry or wish I was appreciated.

      now i feel kinda sad cos that also went with our "rockstar" days

thats a gist for another day.....bummer!!!dont worry, you practically know everything in my mind

what am i saying..."you are MY mind...silly gal"

im not crazy...everybody talks to themselves once in a while, i suppose and im just writing down thoughts and not talking to the wall...

BuZZZZZ....hyperactivity!!>...darn you!!!...pls let me focus..thank you!!

I decided to have an haircut in my third year. A sign to myself that I was moving on. No more fantasies about Daniel Olawaye and no more silly daydreams and I wasn’t going to keep trying to impress him and go unnoticed anymore. It hurt so much I’d cried at night. Was it wrong to desire something so much and yet God doesn’t want you to have it and a very pretty girl called Angel who is way over her head gets the boy.

Well, good news, my story is not like those high school movies where the geek gets the cutest guy in school>>LOL..nah…mine ended in school without the guy and we went our separate ways. Even on graduation day, I didn’t sight him, wasn’t ready to. Didn’t want to. I had moved on and he was just a vague memory. The days when he’d smiled at me in a group talk and I’d thought I would get tachycardia was over and the days of our group reading was over. I had to endure silent pain whenever he called me to get up from bed and walk down to the class in the middle of the night, flashlight in hand to guide the way and I told myself he couldn’t notice me anymore. If he didn’t notice my haircut, the he could never notice me. I might try to convince myself otherwise, but I knew the truth and it came slapping me in the face.