journal of an "old flame" II

He was probably going to marry his beautiful Angel and as for me, well, I’ll keep praying, that’s all I’ve got, and I had taken my faith real serious and was ‘’all for Jesus’’ I was keeping myself pure for him and was hoping that one day He would give me the man I deserved.

But my present story is taking a different turn and is the reason for my blast from the past. The way I see it, I’m sounded more obsessive but what I saw this afternoon triggered this and here goes…:close my eyes in silent prayer’’ with pen in hand and then I’m writing how I feel again

          it's been a while since i had you etched to my brain and i found it hard to let go.

even if it was just for a minute more but i guess every time i thought it was just a minute more i needed, it kept extending and oh!!how much i let it extend to years and years of hunger and pain.

        and then i realized something. i had to let you go. i let you go for a while and I'd never been happy all my life. it was one of those feelings of joy and happiness and swinging moments when its like you've been in a bondage all along and yet, you can just be free if you let yourself be free from moments of sadness, depression and longing for what you can never have

          i stared at the furry bear that i'd cuddled on the side of my bed and i realized i could still recollect things about you like your hair and your eyes. hair that looked like it didn't need a comb and will never need a comb. eyes that looked mystical and i wondered how God would look like if he could make eyes like yours. when you laughed, i thought i'd never seen anyone laugh as beautiful as you and when i sat down alone, i tried so much to suppress the thoughts of you but it came unbidden like a wicked flame that spread through wanting to consume everything till nothing was left and left me wanting more, looking like the hungry fool i was.

     i had stopped daydreaming for a while, but that was before today.

       something tells me it was love but deep down inside, i know i let my emotions take advantage of a careless one like me and i vow not to let that happen again   cant continue living my life like this. Can’t continue to allow your memories torture me, making me wish God would do something!!!

just anything!

 to make sure that we will be together

Dido's song croons over the radio in my head and I’m wondering…”how in the world did that happen”

"thank you" Dido sings..."for giving me the best day of my life...oh just to be with you..."

but did you really give me the best day of my life?...i wonder.

Dido was one of my best selection of music and i thought of you whenever she sang

but after i'd make up my mind and washed my tears for you away, i disposed of all her music and vowed never to sing it again

Adeola and I had gone to the supermarket together(Addie is my cousin.i love the short form better. Makes her sound cuter which she’s very far from. She’s one annoying girl who gets on my nerves almost everytime.

We were arguing about which Kellogg’s cornflakes pack to buy and she started giving me stupid reasons as to why I should choose one over the other, a particular reason being she was staying with us for a while. I sigh and ignore her and then bend down to pick up more biscuits for my junior cousins that come over during the weekend. I stood up just to see she had disappeared with the trolly

I fumed. WTH!!!...i was thinking of different ways to throttle her as I searched for her without looking and then so suddenly I bump into a solid chest and everything I was holding pours on the floor.

‘’oh bother!’’ I sigh without looking up and gathered my biscuits. I wonder how everyone must be looking at an adult my age scrambling to pack up the mess I’d just made.

“sorry’’ there’s a little catch in the voice and my heart skipped. I was probably imagining things but that was before the Individual bent down to help.

‘’let me help you with that.’’ I look up to my new found helper and I gasp absent mindedly

‘’no’’ I hurriedly say and keep picking my biscuits. ‘’where in the world was Addie when I needed her the most. I had to run away from here. Now!...right now!!

After all these years i'd taken that bold step of faith to release Him into the wind, after i'd moved on with someone wonderful and special to me, I see Danny Olawaye staring at me awkwardly packing spilled stuff from the floor.

Wow!...just what I needed in my life..smh! I wished this was a dream.

And I hoped I would yell to tell myself that….”hey, its time to wake up and get your ass to work!!’’

but i guess this time, it wasn't a dream...

it was reality

and just like the waves wash over the sea after a while of wanting and dryness, dido's song comes up in my head again but this time, it's a different song...

it sings sweetly and so clearly i hoped i wasn’t remembering it on purpose...

'i've still got sand in my shoes...and i can’t shake the thought of you....

TO Be continued>>>>>>................