Today

                                                         

I haven’t cried in this New Year, I’m trying to hold it all together. I feel quite better now

Its been a while. Well, not really cos I cried so much last year at what the words of dagger thrown at me by someone I cared so much about.

I imagine people being like music and the lyrics are what you really want to say to them. I don’t want to hurt them, but I want to tell them how I feel through the song I choose.

Why is it that people you care so much about are the ones who least care about you or rather, are not the ones who end up saying the soothing words you need to hear at a certain time of your life?

Am I that vulnerable?

I hope not

Someone says I’m getting better. Well, you wanna know the story of my former blog?.. I think I have the answer now, for those who care to hear.

It just wasn’t “it’’

I got scared.

That should be enough for now

It had a little darkness in it. The things I wrote when I felt I should just say how I feel, not knowing anything about this sort of comment and readers stuff.

Mindshade. Love God. Hate the dark side.

Puskov told me I’m getting better. I’m not the girl I used to be or rather, I’m starting to relate more with people and overcome my fears of getting too close to people.

But I realize I get too close and I end up falling flat

I fell today. Literally though. While walking since I was about to get something to eat. And due to the kind of person I was, I wanted to just run away to someplace.

And I did run…

Still, I didn’t cry..

Big girls don’t cry.

But they cut deep and swallow the pain. And that was what I did throughout today. Ignore it and pretend it never happened.

Bhollu walks confidently, like she owns the road. I walk pretty fast, and today when I walked fast, I tripped, lost balance and fell like a careless child.

Who was I running from by the way?

I’m going to watch my steps next time and walk like Bhollu, so that I don’t fall.

Or rather, I’d like someone to talk to while walking on the road. So that I’d walk more carefully

Walk like a lady!!...Act like one!!! They yell.

 I grew up among boys

 

I want to get a new Rx Coat

I’m sitting in the bus on my way home, and I sit by the window cos I just love the view from there. I can think and I can read blogs. But battery dies and I’m left to stare at the woman hanging the slippery fish on the road to sell and how slimy they look.

Ears plugged and all I can listen to is Simon Webbe’s Lay your hands and After all this time.

I don’t know how in the world they relate to me but It makes me remember a friend I had in school who introduced me to this artiste.

Our friendship didn't really work out...

Simon Webbe is black. If Kemi could check out what I was currently listening to, she’d call me black.

She thinks I’m white in a black skin.

Not the first person to say that to me anyway.

Jojo plays next and I wish I could just scream like her!!!!...

But I’d get tied up if I’m not careful. And then I remember the rate at which prescriptions from the Neuropsychiatric ward come Into the Pharmacy and I know that I don’t wanna know how antipsychotics and antidepressants taste like. LOL

And so I just stare and cover both ears while I imagine myself jumping on a bouncy mattress. I wanna jump high and bounce on the huge bed just for it to throw me back into the air.

I wanna run to that swing and have my best friend push me till I scream and laugh.

I just wanna be happy, not sink into the old me. the moody, quiet and secretive me.

The tears sting but I hold it back. 

“Shhhh” you shouldn’t do that in a bus for goodness sakes!!

The BRT is about to come to a halt at my bus stop and I’m back to reality.

I stroll to the door and I can tell the ticketeer is looking at my “look-alike dreads”

I have to loosen it. I didn’t intend on it becoming that way.

The bike man says something and I crack a smile after a while.

I get home and stepping inside the gate, I can hear the door to my house opening.

That’s how quiet the place I live is.

Someone is home, and its my mum. She opens right from when she hears the gate opening.

I can tell she’s concerned about what I went through today and she wants to offer her shoulder

I’m grateful to God for that.

By the way, this happened Yesterday.

Memoirs of a vulnerable Child