journal of an "Old flame" XIV

It’s been three months after my reconciliation with Seyi….. I sigh as I received a text from her which ended with  “Wish you were here…xoxo.’’ And one of the pictures she had snapped from the States popped up.
She was pouting her lips at the chocolate cream placed before her and I shake my head laughing to myself
When are we all going to grow up and start acting like adults?
‘’Or were we ever meant to be adults because the world expected us to or because our age screamed at us?’’ I pondered

And so as I stand across the lagoon front presently in the school where I graduated from about seven and a half years ago, I think back on that relationship with Danny five months ago and I push my hands further into my coat pocket to brace myself and shut my mind against him completely. He was my first, I know…, the first guy I’d ever fallen so low for and longed for ever since I could remember and now I’d gotten a taste of what was inside, I found it bitter and taunting and I vowed again I wasn’t going to go right down that path anymore.

It was either God or nothing

I saw him twice after that and the first time, I tried acting mature when I met him once again at the mall but with a different girl this time. That was one month after the breakup and I knew I had made the right decision. I was tempted to give the girl some sort of advice but all I did was smile when he introduced me as an old friend whom he knew in school
I was glad that was what I’d become to him.., no hard feelings but that made me delete his number after I got into my car.
The second time was a glance and I didn’t bother looking twice.
I know I know you must be wondering what took me so long to delete his number but I guess there’s still that little tug somewhere especially when someone is your first. It don’t matter if that guy was bullshit or full of it, he’s still the one you’d ever dreamed of being with all your life

My nightmares ended that night

I was determined to stop dreaming about him and with God’s help, I was saved.
I feel the wind blowing my hair round my face and I remember I haven’t done my hair in days. I laughed within me at such freedom and liberty. Permit me for using both similar words but I just felt so light that the wind could perhaps carry me. I felt like a child again, running across the field with Temi when we were quite younger.

 I wanted to become a child again.

That was the liberty I had for thinking once Danny was gone out of my life and I knew I would be a better person afterwards. I went on to delete more secular songs that could bring back memories or rather, those ones that tell you, you don’t care about your ex anymore.
Temi gave me one of her new collections which I’ve come to find interesting especially when I was a soft rock fan and I’ve come to fall in love with this godly singer and that’s Francesca battistelli. I ripped some of her songs and had them playing over and over again till I got familiar with all the lyrics of the song. There was one that caught my particular attention and I’m still listening to the song, letting it sink in. it tells me about the Paper heart I’ve got and how I’m gonna give it to God and how it’s his name that’s also going to be etched on it. It wasn’t an easy process but I learned my lesson and seeing things from outside was not enough to jump into a relationship with someone you barely know.

Ask God first

I guess that’s the most important lecture you can ever give yourself after the relationship has come to an end.

Just hope it does, or rather, it didn’t rob you of everything you were

I think of Addie and how I’d allowed her to take charge of my life unconsciously making myself delusional that I was all for God, whereas, I hadn’t been.
I should have been the one preaching to her and NOT her telling me how to live my life. at that moment I asked God for grace and mercy to reach her in the right way.
She needed Jesus….We all needed Him
Right now, I begin walking back to my mum’s car I’d borrowed again and I turn Francesca’s song on in the car singing along and driving off knowing I had left my worries and troubles at the feet of Jesus and the waters just reminded me of that as the tides began to rise, and fall again
I was glad I could do that.

I smiled as I sang.

I love God, I love my Mum, I love my Dad, I love Temi, best sister in the world who’s married and left me to fend for myself and wants me to get a good man before her  third year anniversary…LOL
Well.., who knows the mind of God?... let’s keep our fingers crossed..**wink**smiles**
And I love the woman singing on the stereo…

Francesca Battistelli.

The end...

Next update..."LESSONS learned from "Lori's journal of an Old flame"

journal of an "Old flame" XIII

                I could see myself clearly now and as i drove closer to the familiar residential area i hadn't been for years, i felt like turning back
'i didn't do wrong' i kept telling the Spirit within but yet i kept my eyes focused on the road, knowing fully well that this was what God wanted to me to do whether i liked it or not and i was going to apologize for keeping grudges.
I had talked to myself for hours, writing into my journal...since thats what i do best but nothing prepares me for what i'm about to meet at the doorstep
Seyi had stopped being my roomate for years, we'd gone our seperate ways and for about five years, we neither called or saw each other and neither of us bothered and i couldn't bring myself to forgive her for what she had said to me
It took me two days to get her phone number and her address
I called her and told her to be expecting me. surprisingly, She had replied briefly and told me to come over if i wanted to

She was still in the country, in case i was wondering

The unfamiliar face of the 'supposed gate-man" peeped out at me and i waved like a silly child. i stated my reason and after the whole confirmation process, he allowed me in
I strolled in through the back door and was greeted by my old classmate by the door.
"hi'' she greeted rather coldly although she was trying every possible way to sound polite
"happy new years....'' i tried to sound cheerful and i was fast enough to present to her the cake Temi had baked on her behalf and told her so.
I don't think i was strong enough to bake her any type of cake, be it slimy or buttery or whatever Temi termed her cake selection
It was then she relaxed and accepted it with a genuine smile
"how is she?''
''doing well, and married.''
She nodded, dropped the cake in the kitchen and strolled into the living room. i could sense she was nervous around me and so was i, but we kept our distance when we settled on different sofas
''what about mum and Dad?'' i asked
"they're fine..., out of the country actually.'' she was doing all she could to keep her gaze away from me
''and you?...how have you been?''
''never been better. was still thinking of leaving the country next week though.'' she stood up to adjust the curtains although i wondered why but i could tell
the atmosphere was too tensed up for all this shitty small talk we were having and so i decided to tell her why i had come to see her
"I'm sorry.'' i closed my eyes and looked at my hands on my laps. ''I'm sorry about what happened between you and Mr X in our third year.''
her face hardened and she turned to look at me sharply.
"are you on drugs?''
i prayed for self control. ''No''
"oh..is this some kind of restitution cycle where you come for some sort of confession because I'm so not buying it Moyo''
I flared up. ''you were not the only one who was hurt you know!...those words you said to me still ring in my ears and you don't know how Low and unappreciated i felt.''
''you didn't talk to me for five and a half years Moyo!!...a whole five and a half years and you come here talking crap...'' her eyes were already swelling with tears. So were mine but i recovered quickly
"that was the time i needed you most and yet you turned your back on me.'' she bit her lip and let the tears stroll down. ''hating you was an understatement.''
"I didn't break your boyfriend's nose because all the while, i was thinking about you!!'' i yelled. ''do you know how the both of you made me look?''
"I spent an extra year in medical school Moyo, couldn't that melt that stony heart you possessed?''
It was then God made me see myself in Seyi's shoes and Temi as the Loving sister who was ready to take me back when i found out about what Danny wanted from me
I should have acted like Temi and forgive Seyi for anything she had said against me but yet, i held unto it like it was some sort of map i needed in life
when she found out about Mr 'X', i should have been there for her but i judged her that she could even move with that kind of man in the first place whereas i wasn't any better.
Danny wasn't a better man, neither had i made the right choice in dating him for almost four months and yet the truth came slapping me in the face again
Seyi and I were no different in our choices but yet, i had judged her to be so naive and ignorant because of some puppy Love
And it was then the tears came again
"forgive me.'' i sobbed and she looked at me fully then and before i knew it, she was running to me and embracing me, telling me how much she missed me and wanted me back in her life as her friend
"forgive me too.'' she sniffed and laughed as she held my face so as to look into my eyes
"oh, it's so good to see you cry...'' she laughed amidst the tears
"'me too.'' was all i could say and embraced her again.
We spent the whole day talking and gisting about our past life without each other and what we wanted to do.
Danny's issue came up and she looked at me wide eyed
"whoa!...you went for the big fish!'' we laughed together
''well, that big fish had nothing in his brains...''
''he was like the hottest guy in school that time.'' she shook her head and squinted her eyes at me playfully ''you this naughty girl!!!...how did the two of you click so well?''
''i don't like talking about it. i shouldn't have.''
she raised her eyebrows. '' did you two.....?''
I shook my head. ''almost..., but we didn't''
she smiled softly then and sighed. ''i'm happy for you...'
I was able to read more into that smile and adding two and two together, i could tell she had given herself to Mr 'X' and i felt more guilty and sad for her
no wonder she hadn't taken the heartbreak so well and had to spend an extra year in school. The Seyi I knew had vowed to keep herself for her future husband and not some lay about guy but something else happened along the way
''he didn't deserve you.'' I tell her. ''there's someone out there who's meant for you and who would make you happy you're a woman.''
She nods and smiles at me again and I can tell that there's already someone who she's not about to spill yet, but she tells me she's really seeking God's face this time before jumping into anything with anybody and i'm happy for her.

We shared the cake and had another phase of chit chat again, and i left her house by eight at night
Before I left, I told her I loved her and I would always love her. i even tried crooning Whitney's "I would always Love you'' for her while leaving but she covered her face and shook her head.
''seriously...please stop.'' she laughed full heartedly and blew me a kiss
that was how close we were as roommates and i knew things might not be the same again but i would still cherish our friendship and would pray for her
As i drove home, I thanked God over and over again in my heart and asked for his mercy upon me. what if  I didnt heed the voice of the spirit, how would things have turned out to be
that was the last thought in my head before i headed straight for my bed
Tomorrow was another day, a day filled with healed relationships, sweet musings and what God had in stock for me
Tomorrow..., I was going to need my solace
I knew where to go